Question: Older but genderfluid

Sophie asks…

I recently (last year) identified as genderfluid, but here’s the thing – I’ve just turned 61! I’d love to know how many ‘older’ genderfluid people you have on this site, as I have so many questions. As much as I love hearing from and about the many beautiful younger non-binary people in the world, for those of us who only got here later in life (although recognising now that we’ve always been that way), it can feel pretty confusing. I was born male, and have presented as male throughout my life, so one of my big questions is how I can ‘feminize’ myself, so that the half of me that is female can show herself a bit more?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on February 28th, 2017 at 08:00 am

Category: questions 10 comments »

10 Responses to “Question: Older but genderfluid”

  1. R

    I think all those things describe me as well; I’m 62, AMAB, been dabbling with nonbinary identity issues for, oh, 15 years or so. Was married for a while to a very affirming bi woman, and oh my did that ever work. For a while. She’s now identifying as lesbian, so i’m not in her demographic.

    I write, often from a female character’s point of view. I find that helpful.


  2. Glenn

    Dear Sophie: I’m 66 now. I have found my identity over the past 15 years as well. I tried going out as a woman but realized that I didn’t want to hide my male side, … as much as I didn’t want to hide my female side, either. So I’m presenting as kind of both. I still use male pronouns, but that’s mostly for convenience while we get the language straightened out.
    I often (more often than not) wear ‘womens’ clothes in public these days. This includes jewelry (earrings, bracelets, necklaces), and often nail polish (fingers and toes). I wear dresses, skirts & tops, or tunics with leggings and boots. I have kept my beard (short but not shaved off), which is mostly gray now. I have lost most of the hair on top of my head, but I usually wear a hat of some kind. I don’t wear face makeup or a bra or breast prosthetics, because I am not trying to present as a woman. I shop at consignment shops and tall women clothing catalogs. Stitch Fix sent me a box and I kept 3 out of the 5 things.

    And … I’m having a blast doing it! It helps that I live right next door to Cambridge, Mass., so this environment is way supportive. I get spontaneous compliments almost every time I go out (“I like your outfit.” or “I like what you’re wearing,” or “Those are great earrings!” etc.). I go food shopping, to the bank, the post office, public meetings, etc. I even have a client who says it’s ok if I show up for work in a dress. I have never gotten any flack. I’m writing a book about my experiences called “a man wearing a dress.” You can see an image of the cover on my web site, Just click on the Books menu.


  3. Eola-Ystwyth

    49 y/o here, but feeling like 25. One year into my nonbinary, queerfemme adventure. I’m of a masculine physique and have no intention to blur the lines with hormones or surgery of any kind. I like the way my body is and don’t experience gender dysphoria or wished to have been born in a different way. Hard as it’s been to come out at my age, I don’t think it would have been possible before, either because of lack of resources and the different mentality prevalent in society. I love skirts, eye makeup (not foundation) and wear exciting clothing, stuff that I couldn’t even relate to in the past, due to internalised transphobia and the self-acquired shame that all males are required to carry as their personal masculine ‘ID’. I’m way past all that and enjoy the freedom that has brought to my experience to embrace my feelings. Aberystwyth (Wales) is a friendly and fabulous place to explore one’s gender I have to say. We’ve got the university on one of our hills, and the population here is quite young, all of which brings an open, cosmopolitan air to an otherwise conservative, rural coastal town. I too love to receive compliments on my clothing or newest haircut, even when I know that there will always be those that don’t understand what I’m doing. To date, I have to say I’ve been fortunate for not experiencing any verbal or physical transphobic attack.


  4. cathexis

    Am 57 and genderqueer. Some of us used to be called Kaikai in the older times. We were often shunned as we didn’t fit into the binary genders of butch or femme. Things have greatly improved in the lesbian communities that I’ve been with. Taking T for gender dysphoria which is helping with my mood and attitude.


  5. Michael

    I’m 55, soon to be 56, and I just opened up yesterday to my wife about being genderfluid. She was amazingly supportive. I’m born male and some days I absolutely fit the part. Many days, however, my feminine attributes want to be expressed. I feel like I’m at the start of a very exciting, somewhat scary journey. One day at a time.


  6. Mark

    I am 70 years old and have been gender fluid all my life. My life has been a struggle since I was about 8 years old. Back then, they didn’t call us gender fluid. We were gender identity disorder and some would say homosexual but I wasn’t. That was the way it was. When I went into the Army and had my physical, the doctor asked me if I had anything wrong. I told him that on some days I’d wake up and be female and other days a male. He looked at me and said, “Which one are you today?” I told him I was a boy and he told me to get in line because I was in the Army now. I made it thru 22 years but struggled so much. I got married and have continued to struggle, but here I am and now I can finally accept myself as gender fluid instead of some disorder. And yes, I still have lots of times that I feel feminine.


  7. Casey Draper

    I am 53 years old and have been gender fluid all my life. Only more recently have I been able to more fully embrace it since I told my wife and she has been very supportive. She had already noticed my involuntary gender swings over the years and had wondered if I was gay. I’m not but since I’m also attracted to women when in girl mode, maybe in that way I am.

    I am AMAB and wear things that are all over the gender spectrum and don’t let societal gender limitations get in the way. My closet is full of masculine and feminine clothing and my life is much richer and fuller being able to be me.

    I never feel like any one label suits me since my gender flows back and forth all the time so gender fluid works for me. I also like the term gendermutt.

    I’m so glad to find this thread since so much online about nonbinary is all by younger people. I think its great that they can more freely express who they are at a younger age because that is something we were not able to do. I notice so many of them use the term genderqueer which is something I can’t bring myself to do because the word queer was weaponized against me for so many years when I was growing up. Sure, it would be nice to turn it around into something positive but the sting in that word reminds me of too many old emotional wounds I’d rather forget.

    I wonder how different my life would be if we all had been more free to express our real selves starting at a younger age?


  8. Ken / Kennii

    I came out as non binary gender fluid heterosexual two years ago, a few days before my seventy first birthday. I told my wife, we have been married thirty eight years. For me this was an emotional day, I had no idea how it would pan out but had to do it, so I took her out to a restaurant, in the hope that this would be a safe place to talk without any fuss being made. It went well. I explained that this was not a new thing, and indeed I had felt like this from an early age, but in the context of British society being very conservative, had always suppressed it. As a male growing up I was fascinated with my female friends, did not get along well with boys at school and somehow felt different, although at that age this was a difficult thing to get my mind around. Of course I played with the lads, but their games had little interest for me, and to this day I have never played a game of football, tennis, cricket or rugby. My school mates would read war stories and adventure comics, fight each other and generally show what is now called toxic masculinity. I much preferred more creative activities, art, crafts and writing. I read all types of literature, but really enjoyed books that had a real meaning to the story with characters who showed normal human feelings.
    The girls around me accepted me into their circle of friends and treated me as part of the group. I of course looked and acted in the way that social conditioning had moulded me, a normal British lad. Now, this acceptance by the females did not mean that I did not enjoy lots of boyish interests. I made models, I became a great shot with a rifle and shotgun, I crafted my own archery equipment, and I sailed boats and raced cycles to a good standard. However, I had a great longing to let something out of me that was trapped inside. I could not pass a women’s fashion shop without thinking that I would enjoy to wear the bright colours and interesting styles. I really should have taken my heart into my hands much earlier and plunged into being me.
    Well now I have, better late than never, and I am finally feeling like ME! I wear MY clothes, which I have chosen, both male and female, and sometimes both male and female at the same time. Do I worry what others might think? No, not at all. Inside us we all have our quirks, the difference is that mine can be seen – so what? I am still a human being, doing what human beings have done since the dawn of humanity, and showing the creativity of being whom one deserves to be, for oneself, and in doing so, harming no one.
    My wife accepted me as who I am, and has been very encouraging, I thank her for her support.
    So, should you feel like this too, do take your life back, and even at an elderly age, enjoy the last portion of you life as if it is the first, you are you, and deserve the best.


  9. Kennii /Ken

    An after thought.
    I really feel that there should be an organisation which embraces the older non binary / trans / gender fluid folk that are out there, and looking for support. It can be extremely lonely being this way without anyone to turn to for support, advice and encouragement. There seem to be many places that the younger people can use to find this support, and this is fantastic, however do spare a thought for those of us in our later years, who have gone through our lives with no support, in an environment which until recently has made coming out the most difficult and dangerous decision of our lives.
    Is anyone else with me on this? I dearly hope so.
    It would be wonderful to have an organisation that we could all share.


  10. Sarah Dopp (founder of Genderfork)

    Kennii / Ken — you said it perfectly, and i’ve been feeling similarly. The younger generations have a lot of community resources, and the older generations have specific traumas from earlier decades and need a lot more support than seems to be out here. Thank you for sharing here, and congratulations on your journey!


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