Question: Transman Dating Question

Joel asks…

Being a young transman, I have a lot of trouble getting a date. I’m attracted to straight women and any girl who knows me from my past only sees me as female. Even with strangers, I only pass as male one-third of the time. How can I let girls know I’m interested and not just another “girl” looking for friendship?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «

Posted by on March 11th, 2010 at 04:00 pm

Category: questions 26 comments »

26 Responses to “Question: Transman Dating Question”

  1. Alex

    I have the same problem, only with men. I’m attracted to a lot of femme men who identify as gay, but they only see me as a girl and don’t have any interest. It’s a dilemma, wish I could help you out.


    Anonymous replied:

    good luck, that sounds like quite a dilemma :/


  2. Mapie

    Thirded – I’m hoping that androgens will help, but until then I just flirt with the people I’m attracted to and hope that one day somebody will be interested after they find out 1) my gender identity or 2) what’s in my pants XD

    I find it helps to be a little flamboyant with the flirting, to distinguish it from the making-friends behaviors ^_^


  3. Corbyn

    There are a lot of dating sites to that geared for people who are FTM or MTF looking for someone that isn’t Trans. Also sometimes going to queer events and just getting yourself out there and into the the scene you can meet straight appearing queer individuals that will love and respect you for who you are.


    Anonymous replied:

    Such as????


  4. nick

    How about mixing in the bi-community as a transman? Transsexuality is often less of an issue in gltb-communities and a bisexual woman might find it easier to look past the female-bodiedness.


  5. Mapie

    Sometimes people who are bi are either/or – I generally shoot for pan/omnisexuals ’cause they specifically state that strange genders are in the target range, but absolutely people who are open to more than one gender in general have an easier time with us crazy genderqueers. ^_^


    Anonymous replied:

    I’m pansexual and would have zero problems dating a transman. I’ve been attracted to transmen in various states of transition. I’m also quite attracted to you “crazy genderqueers”. :)


  6. Jessica

    I am often very disappointed in gay men and lesbian women. They ought to know better, but frequently do not. They are insensitive and often intentionally mean. I think sometimes its like they used to say in the 1950’s – nobody was so strict with Jim Crow and a negro who is successfully passing.


  7. Anonymous

    asking this as a cis lesbian. Can you say more? What does it mean for a woman to see you as female? What would she do or say?

    I had a major crush on a trans guy I know and I normally only like women. I was shy and never made a move because I was afraid of approaching him in the wrong way. i don’t have much experience approaching guys anyways in the first place. more information would be useful in case this comes up again.


    michael replied:

    i wish there were more ladies out there like u. not so judgemental. just talk to him if it comes up again, trust me, us transmen have a hard time talking to girls too so u have nothing to lose girl…..


  8. Joel

    What I mean by “seeing me as female” is that if I approach a straight woman, then they automatically view me as another female and therefore I am no longer a viable companion in their eyes. Or I am not even considered one in the first place. It’s rather frustrating.


  9. Joel

    Also, I would date a lesbian if she respected my gender identity as male, so no need to be shy. :)


  10. Tamar

    mapie: “I generally shoot for pan/omnisexuals ’cause they specifically state that strange genders are in the target range.” hehe, this made me chuckle. i am pansexual and i never thought of myself as someone looking for “strange genders.” then again, i don’t think there’s anything strange about being trans or genderqueer, so i suppose that makes me unusual (compared to the wider population).

    if the women who’ve known you for a long time still view you as female, your best bet (in terms of finding dates) is probably to meet some new ppl. even if the women you’ve known for a while are fully accepting of you, it may take some time for them to adjust their perceptions of you. maybe seeking out bisexual or pansexual women would be a good idea (as a couple ppl have suggested). flirt with ppl you’re interested in~~most ppl can differentiate between “i want to be your friend” behavior and “i like you” behavior. sorry i don’t have more specific suggestions. don’t fall into the trap of trying to behave in an unrealistically hyper-masculine way to try to “prove” that you’re a man, though. that generally is a turn-off and isn’t healthy for you or productive in terms of you feeling comfortable with your own identity.


  11. Jessica

    You could always join the Knights of Columbus – they’d be happy to set you up with dates, though they’d probably frown on your dating any of the Knights. :-)

    Actually I’ve never dated anybody. I’ve been with the same person forever. The nicest people I met, back in the late Cretaceous, when I was single, I met in libraries and museums…


  12. Anonymous

    I am pan, and “strange genders” are definitely in MY target range :)


  13. Carolyn

    I’m pansexual, dating a boi identified female bodied genderqueer…and I’m pretty femme. People nearly never read me as queer, even I want them to. So you might be surprised about the people who will respect your gender identity. I know two straight girls who have dated FTMs, and a gay boy who also has.


  14. Alex

    I often ponder this dilemma…
    My theory is go for bisexual girls!
    No but seriously, I think the very first step is to involve yourself in the queer community because by default the girls there are going to be more open-minded about stuff like that, and they might have friends who are searching for a dashing transman to date, etc. Surround yourself with queers and you will find the perfect girl for you.


  15. Claude

    In response to the original question: I somewhat agree with Alex. Get yourself involved in the queer community. It is, in most ways, much more aware and accepting of the trans community and identities. Plus, many of the lesbian clubs these days actually have straight women attending as well (although many of them borderline between straight and bi on occasions). I think your question “How can I let girls know I’m interested and not just another “girl” looking for friendship”? is an interesting one, and really depends on the person you’re directing your attraction to. I think that many of us, trans or nontrans, can flirt, project, and let another person have a sense of our feelings for them, but if that person isn’t ready to accept those innuendos or subtleties, well, it just won’t work. If you really want to be seen as a transman and not another female, you have to first really define yourself. And that’s why I think that it may be a wise choice to actually surround yourself with the LGBTQ community first, as many LGBTQ individuals and their friends (straight, pansexual, and others) that attend such events have a sense of what it’s like to be transgendered or transman more specifically. In many cases, LGBTQ events allow trans individuals to exist as trans and encourage the formation of trans-identity.


  16. Justin

    Being a 17 y/o transman, i wanted no part of the gay community. I don’t want a lesbian woman to fall for me. Most people are right, yes BI women are your best chance, but don’t let them put you under their woman category. Being with a straight woman is not impossible, if she takes the time to see the man you really are. And that is in no way shape or form an insult, but i seen myself as a straight man and was bound and determined to keep it that way, and to this day i do not identify as transgender, I’m a man. I went to 1 convention and yes it was nice to see that I wasn’t the only one, but it just wasn’t for me. But that’s just me. But to help you with your question, all the women I’ve dated have been 1) With another women at some point in their life. 2) Have been older than I. And 3)Have been people I’ve met through close friends. Friends of friends in other words. You have to build the confidence to approach, don’t introduce yourself as Hi I’m Joel and was born a woman. Let them get to know you for who you are, love you for whats on the inside. Then after you start getting close to each other either find a way to tell her, or set it up so that one of your friends is with you and kind of casually start talking about it. Ease into it in other words, don’t dive in. I’ve been in my relationship for going on two years now. It’s all about confidence, being gentle. Hope this helped in some way.


  17. Jessicaa

    @Justin You’re 17 and you’ve been in a relationship for two years and “all the women I’ve dated…” Wow. Sorry to poke fun, but from my perspective of more than half a century on this planet, you seem to be living life a lot faster than I ever did. I envy your finding your identity so much sooner than I did. Good luck!


  18. Jessicaa

    @anonymous on March 13th. I re-read the topic and found I didn’t reply to your question, sorry.

    I have found no one who is less accepting of trans women as birth-female lesbian women. Many lesbians treat trans women like spies from the other side.


  19. lisa

    i am a pansexual so ive been told and have just become friends with a transman who i really like. he has flirted with me alot and i thought the signals were there and that he was interested however he told one of my mates that he doesnt see me in that way. i feel like ive been giving mixed signals and im struggling to get my head round it can anyone help me


  20. Jessica

    @Lisa and Joel – we’re all part of the same masquerade and it really sucks sometimes. Why can’t people just be straight and honest and who they want to be? So many games and maneuvers, all the pecking order shit and the political this and that. Add in some of your own baggage and it’s a wonder anyone fell in love.

    Maybe it’s just a Thursday that feels like it ought to be Friday, but sometimes you’ve just got to damn the torpedoes and set full steam ahead. Scary it can be, but what a ride.


  21. jimmymot

    i like transwomen as a semi-transman. hows that for irony?
    mostly though, i like straight women as well.
    they are gorgeous….sigh

    i just had to reflect. :)


  22. Lizzie

    Have you considered transgirls?
    I was having HUGE issues with cisfolk, too. Most of the other trans people I know seem to all have the same issue. After being with 2, I’d have to say, dating other trans people is a major change for the better. Both of the guys I’ve been with are super understanding about dysphoria triggers, and treat me like a lady. The guy I’m seeing now had the same issues you’re having until he found me. We compliment each other so well, it’s amazing.

    -a t-girl who <3s t-boys


Leave a Reply

Can I show your picture? If you have a Gravatar associated with this email address, it will be displayed as your photo. If not, I'll just put a picture of a fork next to your comment. Everybody likes forks.

Be nice. Judgmental comments will be quietly deleted and blacklisted. There's plenty of room for those elsewhere on the web.

For legal reasons, you must be age 13 or older to post a comment on Genderfork.

You can use some HTML tags for formatting, e.g. <em>...</em> for emphasis (italics) or <strong>...</strong> for strong emphasis (bold) or <a href="http://(url)">...</a> for links.

Back to top