In love, happily outside the gender binary.

Someone wrote…

I’m a female bodied genderqueer dating a man who sometimes wishes he were a lesbian. We may look like a “heteronormative” couple but we’re in love happily outside the gender binary.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on February 3rd, 2010 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 17 comments »

17 Responses to “In love, happily outside the gender binary.”

  1. Anonymous

    my partner is an ftm transsexual, i’m a female bodied genderqueer that looks like a soft butch. people assume we’re breeders…we like to think of ourselves as “hybrid breeders”


  2. William

    Anonymous – you just described my life.. except I’m the FTM in our relationship. We’re queer and proud of it.


  3. Chris

    I’m f-bodied GQ who may grow up to be ftm, dunno. My partner is ftm. We started as a lesbian couple, but now we are a ‘people’ couple, who may one day be a gay couple :D


  4. Anonymous...again :)

    William-we’re queer…but not so proud of it. with friends, we can be hybrid as we are, but around others, we’re just regular breeders. most of the time i’m okay with that, but sometimes its like HELLO! I am not a straight woman, please don’t just assume that.


  5. Rike

    @ No 4:

    I think people can only base their assumptions/opinions on what they see. If you look like a straight couple to them, that’s what they will adress you as.


  6. William

    *hugs anonymous* And that’s okay. You can, of course, present however you wish to present yourselves on any particular day.

    It’s a bit different with us as my partner regularly doesn’t “pass” as their own birth gender so we are assumed to be gay men some of the time, a straight couple some of the time and sometimes as not-possibly-a-couple as they “look like a lesbian” and I “look gay”. Apparently.


  7. Anonymous

    Something I forgot to add when I submitted this is that I hadn’t told anyone about my feelings that I’m not really a female. I was worried about how my boyfriend would react to this but it was when I was ‘coming out’ to him as genderqueer that he told me about his own gender confusion. Seems like maybe we just belong together :)


  8. gray

    i used to be in the whole man who identified as wanting to be a lesbian category. this was way before i knew about genderqueer.


  9. Adrian

    Wow. I didn’t know there were so many of us ftm/fbgq couples. I’m female-bodied genderqueer and my partner is ftm and yes, we look like breeders. Sometimes I feel the need to blast our queerness to the world. But usually I just feel happy that my partner and I realize this isn’t a heternormative relationship.


  10. Anonymous

    my partners a female-bodied genderqueer, I’m a male-bodied gendergqueer… mostly people assume we are either lesbians or a gay male couple, and I am quite satisfied with that XP


  11. Tchy

    I’m a genderfluid butch in a female body. My girlfriend prefers female pronouns, but tends to see herself as a flamboyant, flouncy femme boy in a girl’s body. People tend to take us for lesbians, but that might change if I start passing as male, like I plan to try for. Gotta say, I’m enthusiastic about the prospect.


  12. Jack

    It’s weird. I’m a cismale, gender male. I was raised by straight and lesbian women and feel out of touch with men, though I fetishize masculinity in a lot of ways.

    I’m attracted to many different points of the gender spectrum. Femme girls, butch women, femme boys, butch boys, androgynous peoples of all kinds.

    Sometimes I feel alone in that I identify as my bio gender, but I’m still very much aware of gender and its fluidity. I sort of feel like I’m dressing like a man, though not actually a man, and I like that. The act of wearing a suit and tie feels kinky to me, even though I do it most days.

    Anyhow, I’m enjoying this site a lot.


  13. kat

    I kind of relate to what you said, Jack. I was born female and present as a woman (though I guess I don’t fit the stereotype), but anything and anyone who is genderqueer just feels more, well, normal. I feel closer to identifying as lesbian, but I have a boyfriend, and that usually confuses people. And I think that’s awesome :)


  14. Sadie

    I’m a lesbian who loves to date transwomen. Sometimes people perceive my relationships as heterosexual. That frustrates me!


  15. Sadie

    Also, I feel deeply uncomfortable with how many people have used the term breeder in comments.


  16. William

    Hi Sadie! I don’t like the use of the term “breeders” either although only two people have used it (other than me and you just now). I understand that some people might see it as a slang term for heterosexual cisgendered people but I personally find it offensive as a) not only heterosexual cisgendered people “breed” and b)there’s nothing inherently wrong with having children anyway.

    I think the people who used that term in this discussion did mean “heterosexual cisgendered people” rather than “people who choose to reproduce” and I’m sure they all really understand that those categories are different.

    Given that I’m a trans man and one of my girlfriends is a trans woman, if we weren’t careful we might end up “breeding” which we’ve chosen not to do and I’m sure no one in this discussion would want to call us “breeders” just for being hetero.


  17. Sadie

    I dislike it because I know plenty of women and men who would self describe as heterosexual and are very aware they do not want children, and also because as I said, sometimes I am seen as heterosexual when my partners do not “pass”, and I certainly have had pregnancy scares before, so that term might then apply to me? If I ever did get pregnant by a trans partner? Which…. implies I am heterosexual? I really dislike the term breeder.

    You are right though, only two people used it. I guess my mind made it seem like a lot more.


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