Question: Honorifics
A reader asks…
Does anyone have a preferred gender-neutral honorific, à la “Sir” and “Ma’am”?
Please post your response in the comments below.
» Ask Genderfork «
Posted by Alice on August 21st, 2010 at 08:00 am
Category: questions 37 comments »
August 21st, 2010 at 8:09 am |
I like “Doctor” and “Professor”, those titles are one of the reasons I want to go higher than graduate studies.
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 8:16 am |
I agree with Kim. My plan is to become Dr. C or Prof. C and teach gender studies–and those students will never know what gender I am! Also, my girlfriend calls me “Commandant” on those days where I just can’t decide how I identify.
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 8:18 am |
in the late middle ages troubadours used the title “milord” (my+lord) to mean either woman or man of greater importance. Although the use of the masculine “lord” does negate its neutral state. “Friend” might be a good one to throw around. WHo doesn’t like a friend?
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 8:20 am |
I get comrade by certain activist friends, I love sir, I don’t hear it enough, when its said, its usually in jest or by mistake, but it feels knightly. I will not be a doctor though that is a neutral yet epic title.
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 10:12 am |
I’ve alwyas loved “sai”, from the Dark Tower series :D
[Reply]
Ethan replied:
September 5th, 2010 at 3:20 am
I also tend to use sai, as a gender-neutral honorific.
As in “Thankee-sai.”
If I think the person may get confused at ‘sai’ I generally just do a little half-bow.
(Those books are excellent by the way.)
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 10:27 am |
your highness
my friends call me Doc
I’ve heard of ‘mix’ and ‘mixter’
My lord is brilliant
Monseigneur
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 10:28 am |
I’ve always been a fan of Captain or Cap
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 11:42 am |
“Monseigneur” is gendered as a French word, though.
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 12:21 pm |
Mon Capitaine… Though that may come from far too much Star Trek TNG… (The character Q uses it to refer to the captain of the Enterprise, Jean Luc Picard)
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 12:55 pm |
I use ZE. as in ZE Berryman.
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 1:18 pm |
I rather like “gov’nah” or “gov” but often go with “comrade.”
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 1:19 pm |
I like sir for males and females, like in the reimagined Battlestar Galactica.
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 2:00 pm |
I live in Poland, and we use “pani” [?pã?i] for women and “pan” [pãn] for men. And, a husband of friend of mine came up with “panipan”, which is a compound of these. I quickly adopted the word and use it as a positively-charged name for androgynous/transgendered people.
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 3:48 pm |
That’s really neat, ElegantAndrogyne! Panipan. Cool. Not that I speak Polish, but!
I like Captain, and Commandant (or Commodore, or any military rank at all). And Doctor and Professor are good too. And Your Highness. And ‘the Honourable’. But on a more practical/not dependant on job/education/royal birth level…
“Comrade” is pretty good, as is “Friend”, both very gender neutral. But I think the only one I’d ever use would be ‘hey, you!’ or more politely ‘excuse me/pardon me’. :/ I really can’t think of a good, practical replacement for sir/ma’am.
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 4:17 pm |
It’s not my preferred mode of address, but I’ve been known to answer to “Hey you!”.
[Reply]
August 21st, 2010 at 10:17 pm |
My closest friend calls me “sir”, which is so refreshing to hear after a day full of “miss” and “she” and “ladies”. However, I must say that I like ElegantAndrogyne’s “panipan”. Maaaay steal that. Also, “Comrade”. Oh man do I ever like “Comrade”.
(unoriginal boy is unoriginal.)
[Reply]
August 22nd, 2010 at 7:10 am |
I tend to go with just saying last names without honorifics or forgoing saying names at all. I’m bad with them.
[Reply]
August 22nd, 2010 at 10:42 am |
i like Mx (mixter) or Zir
[Reply]
August 22nd, 2010 at 2:07 pm |
I use “comrade” a lot myself, but less as an honorific and more as a greeting, and usually with a bad Russian accent. “Comrade! ((Spreads arms))” That kind of thing. I call myself the Right Honourable Bastard, but I suppose that doesn’t really work for most people XD Comrade’s probably the best one, seeing as it actually was used as an honorific.
[Reply]
August 22nd, 2010 at 5:25 pm |
If your gender is queer, maybe that makes you a Mixter…
[Reply]
August 22nd, 2010 at 8:55 pm |
about the “hey you” I really hate to hear that thrown at me. Someone addressed me as such at work yesterday, and I was more offended than I can really describe. “Hey you” for me as always been a prelude to “i-am-a-rude-person-who-cares-not-for-the-effects-of-my-action-only-that-my-actions-have-an-effect-no-matter-how-painful-for-the-other-person”
however I really like panipan.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 8:49 am |
Argh i think about this ALLLLL the time. I’m a PhD student but before i can get that awesome, neutral and authoritative title i still have to teach classes and tell undergraduates what to call me. For now i just ask them to use my first name, but that tends to convey that i’m rejecting the authority of Ms/Miss/Mrs when it’s really the gender. Sigh. I like authority.
Also sticky – family relational titles. My sister just had a baby so i’m her…? Aunt nor uncle really feel right. I think i’m going to invent Zaza as my title.
I use comrade a lot too – so interesting to hear that this has been picked up by so many of you folks as gender-free when i picked it up as just equality implying. I had a wonderful facilitator once who would always address “ladies and gentleman and everyone in the room.” Beautiful.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 9:08 am |
I really appreciate this question, though not really for me-I try to not let either side of the binary affect me much. I answer phones for my job and it is rude (i think) to assume someone’s gender at all and especially just by their voice! I would love to have an honorific that applies to EVERYONE.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 10:41 am |
I always remember my friend Frank, who was black and upon receiving his first Master’s degree, he strutted about saying, “I’s de Massa now! You bet, jus call me, Massa girl.” he was such a laugh, when the mood was on him.
Titles are tough. My partner and I were at the store the other day and the clerk referred to us as “you ladies” – always makes me think of being called “Sir” or “Ma’am” – I always look around wondering who they’re talking to.
[Reply]
August 27th, 2010 at 5:27 pm |
@Lea: I reeeally like “zaza.” I just might use that one day. :D
[Reply]
August 28th, 2010 at 1:53 am |
I prefer ‘Sir,’ but I do sit around and mull this over a lot!
When I was small I thought that one grew from a ‘miss’ to a ‘ma’am’ and finally, became a ‘sir.’ I had heard people call my mum ‘ma’am’ and I asked when she would be a ‘sir.’ I was very disappointed when she said she never would be. I asked hopefully if I would ever be a ‘sir’ and she said never. But I still feel that I’m just not finished growing up, and that some day I’ll have grown from a ‘ma’am’ into a ‘sir’ the way I always expected to…
[Reply]
August 28th, 2010 at 3:39 am |
I use “m’dear” as a gender-neutral alternative to “sir” or “ma’am,” but I feel like that’s probably inappropriate in some circumstances. I dunno which ones though. ha
[Reply]
August 29th, 2010 at 12:01 am |
I use “Beau” or “Missir” as in, Beau Ehmann or Missir Delamount :3
[Reply]
August 30th, 2010 at 8:41 pm |
People at the grocery store check-out, or waiters, or the people who take orders at Jamba Juice or Starbucks frequently call me something that I’m not quite sure if it’s ‘ma’am’ or ‘man.’ I would like to think it’s ‘man,’ but then I think that might be too informal for a workplace environment, so I’m not sure.
In the Cyteen books, the word ser is used for sir or mister, and sera is used for ma’am or miss, but I prefer to think of ser as something that works for anybody. To me, it looks like a mix between sir and her, so that’s cool.
[Reply]
August 31st, 2010 at 10:07 am |
I personally prefer Your Highness or Hir Majesty. :3
[Reply]
August 31st, 2010 at 11:26 am |
When dealing with others, I often use the phrases “my dear one” or “my friend”; I feel like formalities such as “ma’am” and “sir” are antiquated and distancing.
[Reply]
tigr replied:
September 1st, 2010 at 3:02 am
That’s true, and I don’t like “ma’am” or “sir” — But how do you address people you ARE distanced from? People you don’t know, whose name you don’t know or who you just don’t feel like being close with? I’d neither want to be called “my dear” or “my friend” from someone who isn’t, nor would I want to call strangers “my friend” … so what to use ?
[Reply]
August 31st, 2010 at 1:25 pm |
I’ve always been fond of “Your Grace” – maybe because the honorific is the same whether you’re a Duke or a Duchess. Of course then they ruin it by announcing you as “Her Grace or His Grace Duke/Duchess of XYZ.”
[Reply]
September 1st, 2010 at 11:02 pm |
following the comments that headed quick for honorific titles:
I personally have fondness for simply “M”, pronounced em and gender-neutral, in place of Mrs., Ms., or Mr.. I always though Mz. was just an alternate spelling of Ms. (both of which avoid a marital status announcer) but I haven’t seen Mz. much recently.
Also I love Mx. pronounced mix/myx. I think of it as mystery or M- with a variable x term. Also helps me to get though being called ‘miss’, re-purposing my interpretation towards ‘mys’.
my mom would get sir’d occasionally while out shopping. My early glimpses of what has become a shared experience.
[Reply]
September 5th, 2010 at 12:10 am |
Not *quite* the question, but I’ve been known to address myself to gaggles of fellow queers and gendernauts with, “Gentles and ladymen…”
[Reply]
October 30th, 2010 at 11:35 am |
I don’t know how often americans use it
but “mate” is great for everyone.
However I love the made-up ones as well.
Massa and Zaza, brilliant. I also love beau, and mix, and my friends sometimes joke and call each other “suitors.”
And personally I would love someone to call me Zaza Dazza.
[Reply]