Question: What’s my identity?

A reader asks…

I first came out as gay, but as my gender identity became more apparent, I became more confused. I now identify as having no real gender role and my attraction is to men, but what does that make my sexuality? I am afraid of inadvertently insulting other people’s identities if I use their label. What is the best way to describe myself, and does it even matter if I can’t?

Please post your response in the comments below.

» Ask Genderfork «

Posted by on July 1st, 2010 at 08:00 am

Category: questions | Tags: , 13 comments »

13 Responses to “Question: What’s my identity?”

  1. Tchy

    I don’t think it really matters if you can’t find a label, but if you really want one, you could consider androphilia or androsexuality. :]


  2. Billie

    I second androphile. It’s accurate, without specification of gender. Or you could always pull an “I like men,” when asked.


  3. Nick

    I just use ‘queer’ to describe my sexuality. But then, mine doesn’t fit ANY labels.


  4. Cat

    Yes, androphile. I’ve been starting to use that one myself, since I recognized my status as gender-fluid. While I’ve always known I’ve liked guys—albeit femme guys as I’ve never been attracted to machismo—saying that I’m straight when my gender goes beyond simple binary femaleness just sounds wrong.


  5. Jay

    Fourthing the usage of ‘androphile’, as its both accurate and doesn’t sound clumsy (at least to me, xP). But for when simplicity works best, I agree with Billie on just saying ‘I like men’.


  6. Mym

    I started out thinking I was bi… except that’s wrong, it’s not that I like men and women both, it’s that I like people, whether they are men or women or something else.

    So these days I say that sexuality is queer, just like my gender.


  7. A

    I go with “queer” myself. Mainly gynephile (attracted to ladies) but in love with a man. Not bisexual, because the attraction is not equal. I agree with everybody saying “androphile”. It sounds impressive and doesn’t imply anything about your gender. =)


  8. Sean

    I say that I’m bisexual, for the same reason as Mym, even though I’m starting to realize that biromantic/asexual is probably more accurate (but takes too long to explain, and to counter the ‘you just haven’t found the right person arguments). Androphile might also require explanation; I’d probably just say ‘I like men’, rather than use any labels that might define your own gender.


  9. Danny

    I agree with the things other people keep saying.


  10. Anonymous

    I just say I’m confused :) (which I see as a positive thing, meaning I still have a lot to explore and don’t have to settle for one identity or another !)


  11. Gabriel

    This quote is a perfect articulation of my situation, although I didn’t writ it. I feel the exact same about the entire bit.
    But i am not entirely familiar with the word “androphile”. Does it simply mean being attracted to males, masculinity, or both? if someone could define I would appreciate :)


  12. William

    Androphile or androsexual as I understand it mean “attracted to men” (without specifying what you mean by “men”).

    I sometimes ID as femme-romantic because I’m only really *romantically* interested in femme people (of any gender and any kind of body) but also heterosexual / heteroqueer as I’m only *sexually* attracted to female-identifying people (currently only to one girl in particular :) ) with whatever kind of body they come with.

    I have considered IDing as gynosexual but I feel it sounds like an attraction to female *assigned* people (ie, to the “female” body)and I’m attracted to female *identifying* people.

    Nobody can tell you how to identify your romantic or sexual orientation (these don’t have to “match”) and if the label you need isn’t out there, don’t be afraid to invent it.
    I’m a femme-romantic heteroqueer and I love it.


  13. Oosa

    For some people (including me) it’s great to find a label that feels right for them, and I’m glad other people have suggested some for you. I’d like to add that I can’t see anyone feeling insulted if you used “their” label in a slightly different way than they do. All that matters is that you find a way to describe yourself that you’re happy with, with allready existing labels or one you created yourself or with no labels at all.


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