Conversations
Someone wrote…
I had one of those conversations with my parents. These are always upsetting, and my father seemed surprised that I still hold a grudge for the two times he called me a “dyke” when my gender presentation leaned more male. How do I let something like that go? What do you do when your parents say that they love you, but you feel like what they’re really saying is, “I only love part of you”?
What’s your experience?
Posted by Freiya on July 15th, 2012 at 08:00 am
Category: your voice 6 comments »
July 15th, 2012 at 8:35 am |
I always feel that there isn’t a question of grudges if what someone has done has shown you a genuine part of them. If they haven’t really understood what they’ve done, retracted it and grovelled if applicable, forgiveness isn’t even on the table. I’m not saying that’s how things are with your father, obviously, I can’t know that; just general thoughts.
I know what you mean. For me, “I love you, but only when you’re doing/being things that I approve of” isn’t “I love you”, but I am the sum of all my parts, not just some of them. This is a sensitive topic, I know; I’m not trying to speak for anyone else here. As to what I’d do, I’m kind of going through this with something other than gender at the moment, and I basically say just that; that I don’t feel wholly loved and that I’d like to understand what it is about this thing that bothers my Dad, in case I’m missing something. Not getting anywhere fast though!
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July 15th, 2012 at 11:55 am |
Far too familiar feeling
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July 16th, 2012 at 10:08 pm |
I came out as bisexual at an early age, but my mother has never accepted the idea. I once told her that if she couldn’t hold back her homophobic comments then I wouldn’t feel comfortable bringing home any future girlfriends. Her response was “Good, I don’t want you bring them home anyways.” and then she went on to say how unnatural it is to have fluid sexuality. I once brought home one of my transexual friends, and my mother treated her like she was a freak. I don’t understand how someone can claim to be a good person while intentionally hurting people for being true to themselves. She isn’t even religious, so I have no idea where this deep seeded hate stems from. I hate bringing her out in public because my town has a very open gay community and I don’t want her hurting a stranger’s feelings. Being gay or transgendered…generally being considered different is hard enough without being told it is wrong by strangers. Forgiving someone for being openly hostile is difficult, and I don’t see it happening unless she changes her ways.
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Anonymous replied:
July 17th, 2012 at 2:48 am
“She isn’t even religious, so I have no idea where this deep seeded hate stems from.”
Discriminating against things that you do not understand is part of human nature. It is how people defend themselves from ideas that might make their world views wrong. Religion didn’t cause or create discrimination, it just became a convenient mask for it to hide behind. And it makes me sad that something that, at its core, preaches love and acceptance and forgiveness, has been twisted into a vehicle for bigotry. Some of the most tolerant people I know are religious. Some of the least tolerant people I know are atheists.
This was totally off topic with your point…sorry….
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July 17th, 2012 at 1:25 pm |
One thing to keep in mind is: no matter what happens to your relationship with your dad…don’t live anyone else’s life but your own. Be true to yourself, and allow him the honor of being true to himself and living his life–regardless of whether he does that or instead tries to control you.
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July 23rd, 2012 at 8:38 pm |
I know this feeling way too well. My mom is tolerant, even affirmative of my being a lesbian. But as soon as I mention that I feel like I’m between genders, our whole conversation shuts down. Suddenly I’m not acceptable anymore.
I feel like her love isn’t really unconditional if she can’t look past her expectations of me and love me for who I want to be. And I really, really, wish it was.
As for what to do- I think the only option out there is to educate people as much as possible. The gender binary is really deeply ingrained in society, and I think that until people understand the alternative identities out there, their minds probably won’t change.
Best of luck with your parents! I hope your dad doesn’t still call you “dyke”- that word hurts no matter how you identify.
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