Figuring it out

Someone wrote…

It feels silly to be scared by not knowing who I am. But I can’t even give myself the space to figure it out. I’m a freshman at uni, I have gay friends, I’m out to most of them about my sexuality and this is probably THE best place to be when I’m trying to figure out how I identify. But I won’t even let myself think about it too much.

Maybe because if I ever do figure it out, I’ll have to act on it. And I don’t know if I can.

(I just want to walk into a room and say “hi. call me jack” and have people do it. But I didn’t have the courage to do it when I got here and now I’m afraid it’s too late)

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on November 13th, 2012 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 4 comments »

4 Responses to “Figuring it out”

  1. Chris/Sian

    Take it one step at a time; break it down into manageable pieces. Put all the stuff that’s going to/ might happen in the future to one side and concentrate on the here and now. That’s what I did finding out my sexuality; coming out to my mum and dad scared me (it still does) but I pushed that to the back of my mind and asked myself the difficult questions that I had dodged in the past.

    Also don’t put to much stress on finding out about yourself at uni, I find that when I just let life run its course then that’s when I do the most discovering about myself. Again with finding out that I am bi, I left uni after the first year as “straight” and during the summer break discovered in my home town living back with my parents that I’m bisexual, however the more independent life that I had at uni allowed me to set my own expectations about myself and the person I am rather than say my parents


  2. Mori

    “I just want to walk into a room and say “hi. call me jack” and have people do it. But I didn’t have the courage to do it when I got here and now I’m afraid it’s too late”

    This was totally me my first year of uni. I fully intended to come out, new name and all, and present as myself from day 1, but then chickened out like nobody’s business (except for a couple teachers who called me by my preferred name). Then my sophomore year I made some friends at the queer association who just introduced me to everyone as my preferred name, and suddenly I was back on track and no one batted an eye. If someone who had known me as my legal name overheard my preferred name, they generally switched over with no problem. Except that I never was able to come out to the major advisers I had met freshman year (tried once by email and was completely ignored), but any professor whose class I actually talked in was cool with it. It’s never too late!!


  3. Dana

    I get what you mean, not completely understanding my own identity is scary and extremely frustrating at times. I feel like everyone else in college has these things down already, and I’m just there straggling.

    Just give it time, I know that response is annoying to see. One day you’ll wake up and be sure, and all the courage you’ve been looking for will suddenly be there.


  4. Cat

    It is not silly to be scared! This can be scary and difficult stuff, but it sounds like you are totally on the right track, even though you feel like you’re still working on letting yourself think about things. And it is totally not too late to adopt a new name—I did so really slowly and gradually (and sometimes awkwardly) over the course of my first year at university, but it really worked out in the end and I’m so glad I did it. I think a lot of people’s names and identities do some shifting around during college, especially the first year or two. If your new name makes you happy, you will become more and more confident about it, and people will pick up on that and respect it.


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