Heartaches

Someone wrote…

I’m a ‘female’ who is almost exclusively attracted to gay men (not on purpose), and when I like a guy, I don’t want to be his girlfriend – I want to be his boyfriend. I am much too girly to identify as a man, but when I see two men kissing, my heart aches. Thinking I’m an effeminate gay guy in a woman’s body seems much too far fetched. What am I?

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 9th, 2012 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 14 comments »

14 Responses to “Heartaches”

  1. Lore

    I know what you mean! I’m lucky that I’ve been attracted to straight guys more often than gay ones, but then it’s been an issue that I don’t identify as a girl any more…

    “Effeminate gay guy in a woman’s body”: Lately I’ve been thinking of myself as a “fabulous queer boi who wants to date pretty boys”, so I know what you mean! It’s hard though when stuck in a stereotypically female body; gay men aren’t into me, and straight guys still see me as a girl. I had a crush on a gay guy my freshman year of college, and it sucked realizing he just couldn’t be attracted to me because of my body.

    I’m not interested in identifying as a man because I’m still femme and girly in a lot of ways, and I don’t *want* to be a *man* – but I don’t want to be a woman either. I’m figuring it out by transitioning (wardrobe, haircut, and hopefully hormones) towards androgynous, boyish but fabulous, short hair and vests and men’s shoes and nail polish. I date guys who are heteroflexible or bisexual, and open-minded about my gender identity and think I’m both pretty and handsome. I hope you find something that works for you!

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  2. Anonymous

    Oh my God. You’re me.

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  3. Wiley

    I’m kinda with Lore…I’ve had some of the experiences listed above. Right now I find that while I don’t identify as “man” or “woman” exclusively or sometimes at all, I always identify as some kind of femme. This has seriously helped me, because I now find that I am coming around to accepting myself as being genderfluid, femme, and androphilic. This combination of labels seems to articulate what I want to express about myself, and at the same time, I have confidence that I can be as “girly” or “feminine” as I want and still occasionally identify as a man or, more often, just not a woman.

    This comment also reminds me of this person, (http://midwestgenderqueer.com/), who may express a sort of “boy-ness” which you might relate to more than the typical “cis-man-bro-masculine-tough-guy” image which we typically associate with manhood in U.S. culture.

    Then again, maybe you are just a girl who likes gay guys. There’s evidently folks out there like that too. Only you can decide for sure…meanwhile, take it easy and try to enjoy exploring who you are ;)

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  4. Chris

    I really can’t tell you, what/who you are, that’s up to you.
    But since I was just like you 2 years ago (now I identify as a gay trans*guy), I can tell you that I found the wonderful term “girlfag” back then, which was – at that time – absolutely perfect for me.
    So, maybe you’ll give it a try, I encountered a lovely community and true friends.

    I’m a bit in a hurry, so I can’t write more right now, but if you like, I could tell you more another time.

    However, you’re not alone and being unsure how to identify is not a bad thing. You’re still you. ;)

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  5. Lane

    I’m an effeminate gay man who was born with a girl’s body. My first boyfriend was also one. Its not far-fetched at all. Anyone who tells you there is some standard of manliness you have to meet to be a trans man is lying. Same goes for standards of femininity for trans women. If long inner searching keeps leading you back to “something inside me feels I should have been born male-bodied,” that’s all you need to know.

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  6. gqfemmeboi

    I am completely able to iidenntify with all of this…. I am also a femme ftm whos pre hormone and surgerys… and there are even times I wear womens makeup and clothing… I only just wish I was the man I wish I was born as while puting all of this on and only hope to one day fully transition to make all this possible…

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  7. Anonymous

    More on girlfags: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girlfag_and_guydyke

    But yes, there is a possibility you could be a femme gay trans guy. There are lots of them out there. There used to be a Femme FTM Tumblr, but they stopped updating it (long story; you’ll find out why if you go there). You can still look at the old posts, though.

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  8. Anonymous

    I’m pre-transition, and still was able to have a romantic encounter with a gay man. It was intriguing as I was still in the closet when he admitted to me that he found me attractive and was confused by it because he had only strictly been interested in guys before. When I told him about my gender identity, it was a very magical moment. But, his initial confession really helped to reassure me of my gender identity as I was having a bit of a crises regarding it beforehand.

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  9. Original Poster

    Thank you all for commenting. I feel a bit better knowing that there’s people out there who feel like I do, and that in a little open-minded corner of the internet, my feelings aren’t seen as far fetched. I hope that one day I’ll find the courage to be myself without being afraid of what people will think. :)

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  10. Mike

    You’re me too. I can’t believe it reading the comments that there are others who feel the same. I don’t quite know what I am, mostly I say I’m genderqueer or non-transitioning queer ftm, but some days (particularly those delightful days when I am excluded by other men from things) it doesn’t always fit so well.

    I can’t say much hopeful in the way of experience- I have an excessively pathetic amount- but thank you so much for posting, and as the comments are showing, we are not alone. x

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  11. Anonymous

    You ended your post with, “What am I?”. Sitting alone in front of my computer, I blurted out loud, “human.”

    You are a human being. Don’t ever let all of these struggles make you question your value as a member of the species We’re all human. The rest is just a social construct. Be you.

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  12. April

    This pretty much sums up 100% what I’ve been battling the last few months.

    Sadly, I don’t have any answers. I only know the familiar feeling of heartache you speak of. I don’t dislike being a biological female, per se, mostly because I am not overtly feminine leaning more towards tomboy with a little makeup and long hair (which I love). I like some things about being a girl but as far as biological equipment goes, I’d rather be a male. I haven’t been with anyone in a year and the more I think about trying to re-enter that scene, the more I realize I will still be dissatisfied because as I am now, it just wouldn’t feel right.

    I don’t know what I plan on doing about it. A friend sent me here to research and try to figure it out. *sigh*

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  13. Marie

    OMG, you’re so me! I’m glad I’m not alone.

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  14. Jesse

    Unfortunately, you are run afoul of a whole boatload of prejudices. Just about every kind of binary discriminator will be levelled against you and it is all of it entirely unfair and irrational. But you are not alone. You are not even fairly unusual. Who we feel attracted to is not a rational choice. Why we do what we do when we do it seldom stands up to critical examination, or if it does, that’s even worse.

    Good luck to you on your journey and may you find your heart’s desire, even if you find it in the most unlikely of places.

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