Knowing
Someone wrote…
I’m kind of freaking out. I know what I want to do and who to be but it seems that the world makes it so complicated. Am I making it bigger than it is or is it truly this challenging?
What’s your experience?
Posted by Freiya on August 15th, 2012 at 08:00 am
Category: your voice 9 comments »
August 15th, 2012 at 11:53 am |
It is challenging, because the world still largely sucks – in my experience it doesn’t suck because the world would make things complicated, but because it demands them to be simple when they aren’t. Depending on where you are in the world, transitioning (if this indeed is what the post refers to) can have an impact on your safety, so always consider that in terms of how open you are with others or how much you share.
I’m mentioning safety first so that the rest of this comment doesn’t come off as careless. I think that if the only thing stopping you from pursuing what you want and who you are is “the world”, you won’t feel completely happy in this area of life until you go for what you already know is right for you. I kind of found out the hard way after waiting TOO long. (I’m not exactly old now, but I did spent a couple years “considering” when I already knew the answer and sometimes I regret that.) You won’t know how things work out until you’ve tried.
Balance out consideration for the world (i.e. safety for yourself) with whatever it is you know you want to do. The challenge is there but you don’t owe “the world” anything, let alone waiting.
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tigr replied:
August 15th, 2012 at 11:55 am
ah, thanks, I think you put this better than me:)
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Anonymous replied:
August 15th, 2012 at 9:55 pm
this is exactly what I am doing right now. Sitting it out, waiting, fearing the consequences…And I am not that young anymore.
I ask myself everyday, how long I want to cry over my “lost” past,like a child not getting the cookie from mommy, and when I just kick my own ass and get up and DO something to at least have a true second half of life. I know I am waiting too long, I know what I want. But I don`t know if I can trust whatever I know.
But I also know “it” gets bigger and bigger the longer you wait.
You never know unless you try…but the thing is, once you`re on hormones there are changes that won`t change back if you find out that you were wrong. This is the sign that is glowing inside my head everytime I have motivated myself to make the call and get me a therapist. Fuck this nasty doubts!!
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tigr replied:
August 16th, 2012 at 3:39 am
Well yes, hormones can result in irreversible changes (though as far as I know, usually that doesn’t happen overnight, but only over months and years). And I don’t think taking hormones would be the best first step, anyway. But you don’t need to take hormones to try out and play around with gender!
Also, in any case, getting a therapist might be helpful. That doesn’t mean you will end up taking hormones — it does mean you’ve got someone to talk about your thoughts etc. (Keep in mind: not every therapist is great full stop, and not every therapist is good for you, so even if you get a recommendation, trust your gut and keep searching for another one till you find one you’re comfortable with. Personal experience: therapy with someone you’re not really comfortable with is pretty pointless.)
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Anonymous replied:
August 16th, 2012 at 10:31 pm
Thanks, you try to help. I would not use the “play around”, cause for me this is not a game I play. I am totally bodydysphoric and have to convince myself everyday not to jump in front of a train. The changes I need on/in my body are only possible through hormones.
I don`t really feel that my gender (whatever it is) is linked to my body, so…what my gender is, what gender I want to present, to live is my own private business. I must see a therapist to finaly say it out loud that I need and want hormones. It has some effects I want, but there are also some effects I am afraid of and this is what keeps me from going.
I don`t like the fact, that I have to explain. I do not want to “become” a man….it`s just that I feel my basics are set wrong bevore my birth. I want it all to be corrected. It is just genetics, biology, whatever. It has nothing to do whats between my ears, in my brain or in my soul…
I don`t want to be called a transman or masculine or whatever, just because I need more hair on my body and just because I need to stop bleeding every month and just because I want to cut of those breasts that never belonged to me.
I need my body to get closer to what my brain is, but I do not want to be put in another box!
August 15th, 2012 at 11:54 am |
Of course I can’t know -what- you want to do, but from my own past experience … yes: it can be truly that challenging to get over your own fears while it’s also not as big as you make it to be.
I was afraid and turned over lots and lots of thoughts in my head and wondered what other people might think of me and all that … and now that I’ve stopped wondering about others, for some part at least (there’s -still- doubts and everything…), and just be who/as I am, I realized that other people [with the exception of close family] give my gender/presentation not nearly as much consideration as I thought, mostly taking everything in stride…
so, yeah, the main challenge, for me anyway, was myself: and realizing as much. and getting over it.
hm, does that answer your question (at least a bit)? you’re welcome to clarify / ask more / … :)
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August 16th, 2012 at 8:48 am |
For me, this thought really applies to my transition and trying to content with my place of employment. I’m in a office setting where there is minimal conversation with coworkers and many of them I only know vaguely. I like to work hard and keep a low profile. I’ve decided that I’ll come out to a select few and just keep it private. Since I’m in a relationship that prior to transition appeared to be heteronormative, my coworkers have ignored everything that isn’t normative. Thankfully, we have unisex bathrooms so that’s not a concern. I’ll be legally changing my name soon to an androgynous name; I’ve decided to not pursue a legal change of gender markers at this point in time. While maybe this path isn’t for everyone, I’ve found myself most comfortable with this plan. I believe it’s something I could live with.
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August 17th, 2012 at 6:25 am |
this is such a good question and I think really hits the nail on the head for a lot of us. of course any complexity’s real or imagined will be different for each of us. so its hard to say how it will be for every one..you cant.
how ever for me I do think that as I have revealed my true self to more people I’ve relised that some of my fears have been unfounded or at least different from what I feared. I do feel like I’ve made some progress in regards to fearing certain reactions and situations, this has not come easily. if there’s one insight I could share it would be that it seems that the more you except your self the less those fears haunt you. and this makes sense if you think about it. as any ridicule we experience in the out side world would shake your inner conviction. if that inner conviction is hard as steel then the ridicule or lack of acceptance is of smaller consequence. I believe that this journey of utter self acceptance is paralleled in the gay experience also. another thing- as challenging as it is it is a thousand times more challenging with out some support! counseling, connecting with other gender variant people ect – that I know for sure.
x
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August 21st, 2012 at 2:20 pm |
I was in that kind of mindset a few years back, pretty much as soon as I stopped trying to make myself work it out, it clicked into place. Personally, it came out as transition being the right way forward for me. My advice to anyone would be to just carry on and allow yourself to come to terms with things and feel what’s right rather than trying to be fully logical, but that’s just my view.
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