Mother

Someone wrote…

I’m a genderqueer/genderfluid ‘female’ who wants to be in a gay relationship with a man, but also wants to be a mother one day. My boyfriend tries, but I don’t think he understands. I go back and forth feeling one gender and then the other and it hurts. I don’t know what to do anymore. If I became a man, I couldn’t be with my boyfriend anymore. But what gay guy would want me? And then I couldn’t be the mother I’ve always felt I am.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?


Posted by on November 29th, 2012 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 10 comments »

10 Responses to “Mother”

  1. Dude

    Do you think you could redefine motherhood for yourself? Could you be motherly without being a ‘woman’?

    Please don’t sell yourself short. You are too important to think that being yourself would mean no guy that you want would want you.

    [Reply]

  2. Elle

    I certainly think you can find someone who will accept and love you for who you are, but that person may not be a gay man, or may not be the type of gay man you’re looking for. If I understand your post correctly (no promises!) you are genderqueer/fluid, assigned female at birth, self-identify as a gay man, and it sounds like you hope to someday have the opportunity to give birth, which of course would have to happen before you have any kind of bottom surgery.

    You want a man who will be attracted to you for who you are, who accepts and understand your gender identity, but who also wants to have a biological child with you the old-fashioned way. You aren’t asking for anything unreasonable at all, but would a guy like that also have to identify as gay? Most gay men just don’t like vaginas, just as most lesbians don’t like penises. People generally have a strong preference and it isn’t something that usually changes.

    There are a lot of male-identified and/or physically male people with the qualities you’re looking for who claim a sexuality other than gay. And it won’t make you any less of a gay man to be with them.

    [Reply]

    Lane replied:

    I really like what you’ve said, except I’d like to add something to the point about gay men not liking vaginas/lesbians not liking penises. That’s not what sexuality is. Just as genitals don’t define someone’s gender identity, the genitals of your partner don’t define your sexuality. Gay men aren’t attracted to penises/turned off by vaginas. They’re attracted to men and not into women. Same goes for lesbians, except in reverse.

    Speaking as a gay trans man, based on my experience with others and what other gay trans men have told me, gay men will be attracted to anyone who presents as male and is also their individual type. Once said gay man finds out you’re transgender, the reaction varies. Sometimes its rude and transphobic. Sometimes its, “well… I admit I’m a little unsure, but I like you and I’m up for experimenting.” Sometimes its “hey, no problem.” Sometimes its, “I’m trans too.”

    [Reply]

    Anonymous replied:

    Yes to all of the above! I’m out as trans* to pretty much all the gay guys I know, and I very much have been hit on by them regardless (didn’t go on to try where it would lead as I’m already in a relationship that isn’t open, at least not for now, but I think I can safely say that their knowing I was trans* did not automatically render me unattractive to them). So don’t fall for the idea that everyone will be buying into genital essentialism, OP. People who do buy into it aren’t worth your time & emotional investment anyway. And you wouldn’t be in the wrong if you decided to do a preliminary filtering of potential partners based on their knowledge of queer/trans* issues, either.

    [Reply]

    Elle replied:

    We all base our opinions on our experiences. I tried to include enough qualifiers in my original comment, and if I didn’t I’m sorry. I know, admit, and love that there are exceptions to every generalization, but I will stick to my earlier statement that most lesbians don’t like penises and most gay men don’t like vaginas.

    I agree that a person’s genitals do not define their gender identity. I can’t agree with the idea that the genitals of your partner don’t define your sexuality. I think the type(s) of genitals you prefer in a partner is a large part of what defines a person’s sexuality.

    I have yet to meet a self-identified gay man who’s willing to touch a vagina, much less date a pre-op transman. I’ve met several gay men who have or would date a pre-op transwoman, however. (And I’ve spoken with quite a few gay men on the topic, as a person usually taken for male who intends to continue presenting that way but would very much like to have a vagina of hir own someday it’s been a topic of interest to me.) I have less experience with the dating habits of lesbians, but from observation and speaking with my friends they are more likely to date a pre-op transman than a transwoman.

    Again, my opinions are based on my experiences. But if you can tell me of a place where a noticeable minority of lesbians are willing to date a non-op butch transwoman I’d really appreciate it.

    [Reply]

    Lane replied:

    Internet! :-) But in all seriousness, I can’t fully explain the difference between our experiences. I do tend to enter queer circles by first attending trans* support groups and the like and then meeting cis queer people through that, so that probably biases my perspective. In any case, I think the reaction you’ve been getting sucks and you deserve better. I certainly have met lesbians who would happily date a trans woman. I hope you can find one someday.

    This is a bit of a tangent, but has anyone noticed a generation gap in how the LGBT community reacts to trans issues? I feel like the college groups I’ve attended have been far more trans-welcoming than I was initially lead to expect. I’m wondering if that’s because trans people are starting to come into greater visibility, and a lot of that is starting at the college level. Anybody else notice something similar?

  3. Lane

    What is it about being a mother that appeals to you? Is something that can be divorced from being female, like playing the motherly gender role, or being pregnant? (plenty of trans men have gone off hormones for a time to get pregnant. The term seahorse daddy is becoming popular) Or is your gender somewhat situation specific, and parenting is one of those situations where you feel like you should be female?

    If you really feel like transitioning isn’t the right path for you, don’t give up on having a fulfilling relationship. You just need to find someone who is understanding, and people like that are out there. If a guy identified as heterosexual, but understood that you sometimes feel male and made you feel treated like “one of the guys,” would that help? What about bisexual men? One thing that could work is setting up an online dating profile, explaining your gender in your profile and looking for guys who seem queer-savvy and flexible. They exist, I promise.

    Best of luck to you!

    [Reply]

  4. Anonymous

    Reading your comment gave me a lump in the back of my throat. I couldn’t read the comments/responses to your post before I let you know that you aren’t alone. Sometimes responses are helpful, sometimes not, sometimes people get so caught up in sharing their “opinion” or giving advice that you know they don’t really just feel what you are feeling. So I just wanted to let you know that I know what you mean, that it has been causing me some anguish lately, and that no one knows. Regardless of what either of us will decide to do, it helps to know that we aren’t the only ones feeling this way.

    [Reply]

    Elle replied:

    As a person who’s probably more guilty that most of the “caught up sharing” thing I’d like to thank you Anon for your post. Advice and suggestions are great. But so are empathy and sympathy.

    [Reply]

  5. Anonymous

    I know of bisexual cisgendered men who are trans positive, and at least one who would be open to being partnered with a genderfluid female-assigned-at-birth person and having children with er — the latter because he’s partnered with me, and his acceptance of my nonconforming gender goes beyond my own sense of where my gender is. (i.e. he’s open to identifying any of my identity as ‘he’, but I’m more androgyne-to-soft butch. I already have kids from a former partner, and it did some interesting things to my sense of gender identity, but I admit I’ve never been completely dysphoric.)

    [Reply]


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