Someone wrote…

The warmer the weather gets, the more I’m reminded that I don’t belong in this body.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on June 7th, 2012 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice 32 comments »

32 Responses to “Weather”

  1. Brett Blatchley

    Yes…I know what you mean…

    At the same time, as hormones work their magic, I am beginning to appreciate my body’s appearance more.

    At a Memorial Day pool party, I realized that I really cannot wear male bathing suits anymore when my mom-in-law suggested I swim too. Thinking about it later, I’m not a traditional female suit works yet either; so I’m thinking that a swim-unitard with short legs and sleeves will work nicely for where I am right now.

    It’s a bit like that with my ordinary dress: when I’m in male clothing, I look like a woman cross-dressing. But I think that I look too male to wear a dress well, so I dress in women’s pants/capris, tops & blouses and such. It does work for me to express myself well on the feminine side of androgynous.


    radical/rebel replied:

    Brett, your new photo looks so beautiful! I am excited that you’re having a positive experience with hormones. you always have such wise things to offer on Genderfork, and remind me of how much beauty there is in the world. Sending the best to you!



    Brett Blatchley replied:

    **Thank You** Radical/Rebel, you’re such a blessing to me, and to others! Thank you for your encouragement!


  2. Lane

    Same here. I am pretty thin, and if I bind with anything other than a tight bra or actual binding tank, it actually can add bulk to my chest so I struggle with how to dress on top. I like to be in the sun and live where it gets hot, am not a fan of swimming in t-shirts or hiding my body even if it doesn’t feel ‘right’. I end up in an A-shirt and extra tight sports bra a lot but when wearing this with baggy shorts or khakis, I still present fairly male. I get odd second glances at my leg and pit hair but think to myself “That’s right folks- this is what a queer looks like” and just let them look.

    Somehow I have a harder time dealing mentally with my chest when wearing bulky clothes vs. summer clothes and I think it’s because I unapologetically wear the masculine tanks, and own it in them! ;)

    I swim in a sport bra top and men’s swim trunks


    Brett Blatchley replied:

    Lane? It’s always *so refreshing* to me to hear/read a FtM perspective: thank you!!!

    “This is what a queer looks like” – YES!! I’ve thought that too…

    …It’s not that I want to be “in-anyone’s-face” about my self-expression; it’s that my expressing my gender *is every bit as legitimate* as anyone else expressing their gender. I have come to see it as a boundary issue!

    For me:

    * I cannot “pass” as a man with integrity.
    * I could “pass” as a woman with integrity, but have chosen not to.
    * I am passing as “Brett” with greater and greater integrity.

    So that makes me “queer,” but queer generally adds more to the world than it takes away.


    Lane replied:

    Brett you are welcome! It feels good to be able to share experiences with others here.

    I generally fall into the same categories of passing as you described, though I often pass as male initially, will sometimes then be ‘read’ as female after the fact. I accept whatever pronouns are given to me by someone but strongly prefer male ones and will state that if given the opportunity.

    I realize I appear a certain way to others, and the pronouns said to me by them are the social gauge I use of how accurately I am presenting my gender at that moment, like: are they seeing who I am feeling myself to really be? Thankfully, my experience has proven that this is not solely based on my clothing.


  3. epistemicmurk

    Holy shit. This isn’t something I’ve ever really thought about before, but now that I do, I realise that it might as well have been me talking. I guess this sort of revelation happens with startling frequency at Genderfork.

    Floral! All I want to wear right now is floral!


    Brett Blatchley replied:



    Lane replied:

    Do it!!


    epistemicmurk replied:

    Gonna. Will be shopping for knockdown dresses tomorrow.

    This weather thing really is fascinating — especially given the weather is seen as such a boring, last-resort, nothing-else-to-talk-about thing.

  4. Anonymous

    I love summer weather so so much. But I have always felt a little weird in summer clothes. Now that I’ve realized that a lot of the weirdness was just coming from feeling forced to look/act a certain gendered way, I’m beginning to just do what feels most natural…I’ve made a pact with myself to try really hard this summer to just let go and let myself “be”…however that is. It’s tough not to be self-conscious but definitely worth it.

    Also, it’s so good to see all the positive interactions going on in this thread : ) Thanks for the shared experiences, folks!


    Brett Blatchley replied:

    Yes, just let yourself *be*!!!!

    Abandon your cares about what people think….bask in the freedom to simply *be*!!!

    I think that un-self-consciousness is one of the MOST beautiful inner attributes that manifests *so clearly* in our external selves. It “covers” a multitude of imperfections in the way our bodies look and the way we adorn them. It is a mark of inner peace, or at least enough peace that though we struggle with our bodies, we *know* who our inner being is, and the rest is simply a matter of “working things out.” It is also connected with our growing attitude of “It’s okay to be me, and you’re okay to be you too,” something that can take all the disparaging connotations of “queer” and redeem them into “pleasant peculiarity” and “endearing foibles.”

    To abandon ourselves, to abandon our worry over how people will perceive us, over what they might say, over who will approve or not…letting the chips and rewards fall where they may is *SO FREEING*!!!

    What is more important? That someone see a sanitized-normalized-plastic version of ourselves (essentially a lie)? Or are they better served by seeing us as we truly are? We are at our best this way, all our energy can be spent on more productive things than making, keeping-up and putting-on a mask. God is more clearly visible in us if we present ourselves as we are, no pretenses, no hiding, no shame….

    …When people see us in this beautiful form of nakedness, some may retreat in horror, fewer may even attack us, but more will see the winsomeness of our being and want that freedom for themselves too. In this, by giving ourselves permission to *be*, we give others permission too…


  5. J.D.

    I’m living in Georgia this summer, where the hot is /really/ hot compared to my native Pennsylvania. It makes binding incredibly uncomfortable on the more humid days, and my typical layers aren’t a possibility either. I look boyish, and am generally introduced to people as “this is JD, he’s living with us this summer” by the family I’m staying with – and people don’t tend to argue with them, but I get *very* self conscious when out in public sometimes, especially if I’m with a cis-gendered woman on a date or even just a group of cis-gendered friends. I keep waiting for someone to call me out. Every time I take communion at church I keep expecting someone to tell me to leave. I am so sick of constantly feeling the paranoia of my dysphoria hanging over my head. Sometimes I think if I weren’t so obviously uncomfortably aware of my own mismatched sex/gender/indentity/etc. other people might not pick up on it either.

    I never thought I’d say it, but I can’t wait until winter. Winter is so much… safer.


    Brett Blatchley replied:

    J.D.? Your comments are very moving!!! I can relate quite a bit to your experience…

    Communion is between you and God: while other’s may think they have some say in this, they don’t…

    …By presenting yourself to God in this way, before others, you are a witness to them of God’s love and desire for you – AND for them! Some may judge, but that’s on their own heads – with the sort of ruler they measure you, they themselves will be measured…

    …But *you* are measured highly indeed to walk closely with God, mastering your own fears & feelings, and the potential frowns and even abuse of others: J.D., I am *proud* of you, but more importantly, God is proud of you! :-)

    (Maybe what I just wrote above about abandoning oneself might be useful to you?)


    J.D. replied:

    Brett, I am so sorry I didn’t respond sooner. Thank you so much for the kind words and the wisdom. You know, I always go out of my way to read your comments and they always hit home with me. I think I may even have stumbled across you on another corner of the internet a while back when I was reading something (don’t ask where or what, I honestly can’t recall) and your words mean a lot.

    I count you as a friend, and you’re absolutely right – communion is between God and I, as is my walk with Him.

    God bless you


    Brett Blatchley replied:

    You are a *blessing* to me J.D.!!! Thank you for your kind words!!! <3

  6. Lane

    Hey there J.D. it sounds like the family you re with is supportive, and that is awesome! I do think sometimes our own discomfort magnifies what is actually going on. I know for me, when I am feeling the most self conscious, I swear everyone is staring at me and that may be true as these are times I am most apt to check and re-check how my shirt is laying on my chest, my pants front too flat or whatever and that has got to be drawing attention to me, right?! So I studiously try to just ‘be’.

    Something else to consider is this: what if someone is observing us because they are gender-queer too, or a curious ally, and looking to find a direction or someone to identify with? I realize I *look* gay or something! off hetero-center haha and so for someone who maybe hasn’t had a lot of exposure, a polite 1st or even 2nd glance at me may be their way of becoming educated by the ‘mere exposure effect’, a social diversity theory of acceptance through proximity with others different than ourselves. There is too much of a good thing though and if staring gets rude, i take my leave of it asap.


    epistemicmurk replied:

    >>> Something else to consider is this: what if someone is observing us because they are gender-queer too, or a curious ally, and looking to find a direction or someone to identify with?

    Yes, quite. This is something that causes me a great deal of grief.

    ‘Not everyone can bathe in the multitudes: deriving pleasure from the crowd is an art; and he alone can do it who creates an orgy of vitality at the expense of the human race, he who’s been visited in his crib by a fairy who fills him with a taste for dressing up and disguise, a hatred of the home and a passion for travel.’

    Baudelaire, ‘Crowds’.


    Brett Blatchley replied:

    YES!!!!!! I’ve been on both sides of this too!!!

    I’ve very much wanted to meet some of the genderqueer and trans folk I have seen (there are a lot of us here in Asheville NC). BUT I’ve not wanted to bring any unwanted attention to anyone…

    …Instead, I just live comfortably, openly transgendered, moving through life, through places as if being trans was the most normal thing in the world! Maybe that will help others like me feel more comfortable themselves? It seems to help me…


    J.D. replied:

    You bring up some really awesome points, Lane. Thanks for reminding me that maybe getting a few looks doesn’t always mean they’re judgmental looks. I’ll try to be more conscientious of that from now on. Who knows who I might meet.

    Yunz are all great. I love this place.


  7. ciaran

    Hi. I did not read everything here, but as I fly over some of these posts I want to put in a question that is on my mind in a very obsessive way now for many month. Maybe I am just a small step away from looking for a therapist and wanting hormones, maybe I am just confused. So I find you all here are very well informed people and are somehow connectet not only to science but also think about gender in a spiritual kind of way. Maybe you have the answer I am looking for?

    The hurtful question I have is: I think that evolution and this god-thing can go hand in hand. I love the (pantheistic) thought, that there might have been or might be some kind of masterplan, some kind of “Beeing” that has planned everything the way it turns out. And I love the thought of nature, of the world itself beeing some kind of spiritual beeing, bringing to live so many beatuful things, plants, animals, humans, places, times and so on. I want to believe that everything is beautiful the exact way it is. I want to believe, that our dear evolution makes no mistakes. I find nothing wrong in even the smallest creature, because I am convinced that everything has its meaning. Sometimes a very chaotic meaning, but meaning. I believe, that everbody is a wonder, the exact way they are.

    BUT WHY can`t I see myself as such a wonder then? Why do I feel a painful need to change my body? Because, even if it is not “mine”, not connected to my soul, it should have a certain meaning, why I and only I got this and only this body, don`t you think? So, what is my quest with this body? Should I trust the masterplan and stay how the wonderous magical evolution has made me and planned me to be, or am I allowed to change this, when my mind and soul want it? Cause my mind and soul are results of the evolution as well as my body is…but which one is more important?

    If I do not take these steps to become more and more “me”, if I keep this body, I can be me inside and try to accept the cover I got. I will end up in depression and be unhappy but hopeful for the rest of my live.

    But do I take steps to be who my soul needs to be, do I change the body I got to care for, I will be unhappy too, because I think, I failed the test. I failed to deal with what the world gave me. I would feel guilty and weak either way. So, what do you all recommend? I want more leghair, I want a lower voice, but I want to be able to say that whatever nature brings is beautiful and there is no need to change….how can I put this together?

    Really, I can`t eat and sleep right since this is on my mind all day and night. Whenever I say to myself, ok, then stop it, no hormones, no change, no other clothes, just be what nature wanted you to be..I start to cry and think, no, I do not want to miss this “new” feelings, this possibility to change, this dream of mysef in a better version….

    But…I find it so…look, when a disabled person, lets say someone who has only one arm comes to the doctor and says: listen, I am a two-armed person caught in the body of a one armed….that says beeing one armed is somethin negative. So, beeing disabled and handicaped is somethin negative. But I do not want to discriminate someone. I find everybody, funcional or not functional, strong or weak has its right to be, and to be seen as a perfect result of evolution. So…why do I have the right to change that for myself? I am healthy, the body I was given is..well it funcions, I find it ugly, but thats my problem…and then there is this voice that whispers, I made you and your mind, you are not only body, you are soul too. That you are able to think about these things has been planned millions of years ago. You carry genes older than you can imagine and it has all been planned long ago. Evolution is not stupid, it is all part of the plan, that you question your gender right now. Evolution gave you the ability to make decisions. Be sure that every single thing you decide has been layed into your spirit millions of years ago when the first live was born on this planet…So, whatever I do, it can`t be wrong, can it? So I can leave it or do it, makes no difference? This is so fucking confusing….

    So, I stop this confused thoughts now. I am sorry for the length of this post, but I cannot carry this inside anymore, wrighting it down sometimes helps, they say…


    tigr replied:

    Hey, I don’t have the time right now to properly address all the points in your comment (maybe I can manage to get around to that later), so just a quick few thoughts:

    – Getting a therapist is separate from getting hormones, and regardless of whether you want to take hormones or not — and especially if you are confused — I think a therapist might be very helpful. [Caveat: there are helpful and not-so-helpful therapists. Trust your gut feeling, and if you don’t really get along with one, try another one. Seriously.]

    – Evolution does make ‘mistakes’. Well, more precisely, it doesn’t intend to ‘do’ anything. Things happen. If you will, evolution simply tries out all sorts of things, everything, and some succeed (like cockroaches:) nearly indestructible buggers), and some fail (like dinosaurs, none of those around anymore!)… But none of that has been ‘planned’.

    – Your being is your body and your mind. Without your mind, you’d be dead (or a zombie). And did you consider that the “masterplan”, if you want to believe in that, your ‘test’, might actually be (simplistically) “born in the wrong body” and “getting it right” is the ‘goal’?

    – Being who you want to be doesn’t make you weak. It makes you strong. :)


    Anonymous replied:

    First: thank you sooo very much for your answer. I am so glad having found this site, because I found nobody in real life by now who I would feel safe enough to talk about all this.
    And: you must not spend more of your time on stupid little me, it is loveley and helfpul that you just answered the way you did. This is really nice. Thank you.

    I want to believe it when you say:
    “And did you consider that the “masterplan”, if you want to believe in that, your ‘test’, might actually be (simplistically) “born in the wrong body” and “getting it right” is the ‘goal’?”

    But what if it`s not? What if the goal is to learn to live with what I got, instead of wanting to change something so fundamental like genes and chromosomes? How can I find out whats right for me, (as I have never learned to trust myself, my feelings or body or soul) because as I heard and read of a lot of people, a therapist can never help me decide which way I want to go. A therapist can help me dealing with the struggles on the way. But only I can make this decision. So, how can I bring myself to decide? I need some kind of narrative, to end up with my back against a wall. Maybe then I can choose what I need most.

    Oh, I`m doing it again. All questions..sorry, you really don`t have to reply to all this, it was helpful enough to know that there are people out there who care and try to help. Thats so nice of you. So don`t waste too much of your time on stupid little me. Thank you.


    tigr replied:

    Eh, no worries :) you’re welcome.
    So, another round of quick thoughts…

    But what if it’s not?

    Well, the short answer is: you can’t tell either way. Right? (And, personally, I think the question is ill-formed anyway; I don’t believe in any kind of pre-determined ‘masterplan’. So you could say (or, I would say) the ‘answer’ to that ought to be “mu”. :))

    How can you find out if something’s “right” for you… hm… try it out ? And anyway, it’s not like you ever have to do anything. We’re not puppets.

    I think you should try and learn to trust yourself. Whom else are you supposed to trust? Who else is supposed to know you any better?

    And re. “a therapist can never help me decide which way I want to go” … well, a good therapist won’t tell you what to do! But they will be helpful & assisting you in getting to your answer.

    Not sure what you mean by “I need some kind of narrative, to end up with my back against a wall. Maybe then I can choose what I need most.” — but I’ve got a feeling I disagree.;)

    And remember, you don’t need to decide anything right now. Take your time! Live and learn. Try out things. It might be scary, hell yes. But it’ll be worth it — some of my most cherished memories are of times when I was scared of doing something (new), and doing it anyway, and being glad I did it afterwards. (For example — completely unrelated topic — when I first went on holiday all by myself, I simply booked flights to Lisbon and explored the city for a week and a half. Was amazing. :))

    Take care of yourself!

  8. epistemicmurk

    You’re an inspiration, tigr.


    tigr replied:

    Thank you=) And I’m glad you ended up having such a good experience in New York:)

    I find finding myself is more of a journey than a state, but in any case, progressing there-along’s great (wherever it may lead)!


    epistemicmurk replied:

    Oh, totally a state. There’s more to mountain climbing than reaching the top.


    epistemicmurk replied:

    Totally *not* a state, I meant. Agreed re: journey. Ahem.

    tigr replied:


  9. epistemicmurk


    I’ve just returned from three weeks in New York, and ever since the opening words of this thread have been echoing in my mind. For those who don’t know: it has been swelteringly, unbearably, suffocatingly hot in NYC recently. And after a week or so of getting increasingly sweaty in denim I thought, Fuck this! I want to shave my legs & wear a skirt!

    So I did. And it was utterly natural. And nobody gave a shit. For want of a non-cliché, I guess I kinda found myself.


    Brett Blatchley replied:

    HA!!! It gets **HOT** in New York????? (Well, not so much in the upstate where I was born!)

    YAAAAY for finding yourself!!!! I’m VERY HAPPY for you :-) :-) :-)


    epistemicmurk replied:

    Apparently it was very hot even by NYC standards. Think I lost weight just from all the sweat.

    Buffalo was pretty scorching too, and you don’t get much more upstate than that…


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