Question: Absolute confusion

Kellie asks…

Where can I find closure? Peace? I have been at war with myself for about 9 years trying to figure out who I am. In the recent months I have been trying very very hard to identify who I am and what I believe and I have, at best, determined that I am at least pansexual and genderqueer. Though I feel somewhat glad that I’m finding out who I really am, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere when it comes to my community.

Some days I enjoy being a female, but some days I just want to tape the tatas and I don’t even want to be looked at as a female. I have cut my hair very short and wear men’s clothing more often which is liberating, but I just don’t feel…right still. I know that I know myself better than any other person…but it’s so intense sometimes that I have considered multiple times to go see a therapist.

Is this just something that I will have to live with?

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on November 11th, 2013 at 08:00 am

Category: questions 3 comments »

3 Responses to “Question: Absolute confusion”

  1. Antony @dressy cart

    Nice writing. I appreciate it. Keep the good work up.


  2. Thomas

    If only someone had the magic answer for this. Nine years is certainly a long time. I too oscillate between days where I feel female (although those are less frequent) and days where I feel male. And days where I just feel like me, no gender attached. Not that I express myself any differently most of the time, as I live with the fear that any sign of femininity will be perceived as negating my genderqueer identity (“See? You wore a dress today! Clearly you’re really a girl! You’re wearing a push up bra to show off your boobs, so you must accept them!” *sigh*). It’s a challenging road to walk. A therapist knowledgeable about gender identity might help you find that peace your seeking. So might finding some way to carve out a community for yourself- surrounding yourself with supportive, understanding, accepting individuals. Easier said than done, I know, but sites like Genderfork have been a huge help for me to feel less isolated and alone, and more at peace with myself as I read about others across the world going through similar things to what I experience.


  3. J

    You belong in my community!! And if this helps: no, I don’t think this will go on forever. Sending love <3


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