Question: How to feel comfortable and know what I identify as.

Someone asks…

I am physically female. I have always felt uncomfortable wearing dresses, skirts, makeup. I do like the styles of those things but it always felt strange for me to wear them. I’m more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt.

I don’t feel feminine I’ve never felt “like a woman” however I don’t feel overly masculine either. I need help in understanding what I may identify as. I love the idea of wearing men’s clothing and deodorant that whole thing, but I know I don’t necessarily want a penis. I feel uncomfortable in my own body, it feels like it is not mine.

Please post your response in the comments below.

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Posted by on October 6th, 2013 at 08:00 am

Category: questions 4 comments »

4 Responses to “Question: How to feel comfortable and know what I identify as.”

  1. Anonymous

    Mostly, just be very patient with yourself and listen to yourself through sorting this out. It’s awesome that you know some things you like and dislike; honor those preferences. Ultimately, it comes down to figuring out what gender you feel most comfortable identifying with…Who do you feel like when you stand in a mixed gender crowd? Can you find role models…in media or your immediate life…with whom you identify? Also how you feel about your body and how you feel it should be are important. Gender presentation is not the same as gender identity…Ultimately it is up to you: are you a masculine woman? A feminine man? A feminine something else? An androgynous woman? A nonbinary-gendered being whose presentation is just something else? There is practically no limit to how you can identify and express that. Also, it’s good to remember that trans* people come with varying degrees of body comfort, and we all want different things from our bodies…I’d research non-normative trans* narratives for more info on this. Just know that we are always coming to know ourselves, and the act of living is one of becoming…We are always changing, though some things remain sort of constant. You are valuable, whatever you come to know yourself to be.


  2. Charlie

    Did I write this post while sleepwalking? Every word is exactly how I feel.

    Presenting as a boy, girl, or even a mix of both feels awkward to me because I don’t feel like a boy or a girl or anywhere in-between. I have realized that my body will never be able to reflect my mind, so I don’t worry about altering it. I wear jeans and t-shirts and cut my hair the way I like and do the things I enjoy doing. I roll my eyes when someone calls me a girl and smile when someone apologizes for calling me ‘sir’.

    My identification? Agendered. And my lack of gender doesn’t detract from the gender struggles of others.


  3. Anonymous

    Kate Bornstein’s “New Gender Workbook” is pretty great. What it taught me was to relax and go with the flow on the whole gender issue, and not feel like I didn’t know myself just because I couldn’t find a label to commit to always and forever. But you might find a label in there that you like and can use.


  4. alex

    OMG. Was that me writing that post? ‘Cause it certainly does. Wow. I wish I actually knew someone who feels like I do. I cannot figure out what I am and what i’d like to be. And I’m afraid to cut my hair, cause I like boys and do boys want a girl who looks like a boy. I’m not sure and I’m so insecure. Good to know I’m not the only one who feels exactly like me. Thanks.


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