Question: Essentially, I want to know more of what Genderfluid is.
Scarlet asks…
I was born male, and have been since I for 20 years and although I am still young, I have been exposed to thoughts like this at a young age. At the age of seven, not knowing any of this, I was quite comfortable in female attire, as a kid would when playing dress up – though at the time, it seemed a little different to me, it felt strange. Even when I was younger, in kindergarten when we had a dress up day for Halloween, my mother and I had a fight about what I wanted to dress up as, I wanted to be a witch, but she insisted I go as a Native American Indian. I was not at all impressed, I remember not being happy at all for the rest of that day.
Growing up I had experienced a rough patch due to personal issues as to how confused I was sexually, though at the age of ten, I found that I had already categorized myself as a label, without knowing too well of what it meant. So I associated as Gay (Homosexual.) and till this day still saw myself that way.
When I was fourteen, I gathered myself to be the typical flamboyant gay, the stereotype in which most of society and media see homosexuals as. Though the thought had occurred to me when a friend of mine asked if could ever see myself as a girl. I pondered on the thought for a moment till a hesitantly but surely answered no, as I thought at the time I was comfortable with who I am.
At the age of seventeen was when I started to have reoccurring thoughts of myself seen as a woman, even had a friend who started to call me she whilst apologising and forgetting of my standard, current gender. My initial reaction was to say, “Whatever, who cares.” along those lines, yet instead I replied with, “I don’t mind, really it’s okay.” this is when i started to question gender Identity. Sticking to binary confines of society’s way of labelling, I was just known as ‘that gay guy.’ Then the thought occurred, I know that physically I am male, but mentally and psychologically, I am female, it is who I am inside, I can feel it.
Three years onward, I have been struggling, finding myself in the worlds between as I battled with myself on the inside. Twenty years old and I have now only now tried to understand the terms Genderqueer (Which I find to be at this moment.) Bi, Tri and Agendered – but I want to understand more about Genderfluid.
I know I can find myself at two points in the road, and can associate with both female and male aspects of my life, yet I find that I physically do not feel male and instead I find mentally and physically I am at war.
I associate so well to being female, but do not hate some male aspects of myself, such as the genitalia.I am so confused as to where I might stand and find that expressing my issue to a group my help me on my journey to find myself. I want to make sure I understand all the factors taken in and opinions from others so that I know that my decision is not rushed and or brash.
If anyone could please help me understand this, I am still in the process of learning so much.
Thank you.
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Category: questions 2 comments »
December 20th, 2014 at 10:57 am |
I’d love to be able to give more solid advice, but I’m unsure of a lot of things myself so I thought maybe I’d talk a bit about my experience in case it helps.
I identify as genderfluid and for me that involves treating my gender identity and how I feel about my body as separate issues. Basically, because I know I don’t want to make any physical changes at the moment, it’s as if that’s cut any connection between my body and gender, allowing the latter to wander around doing its own thing. I don’t really view my body as gendered, I don’t think, and I don’t think that I ever did even when I was younger, I just thought of it as having certain parts and not others rather than being essentially of a particular type, belonging to a particular category. I don’t know where I got the idea to see it that way, it just seemed right somehow.
My gender seems to be partly contextual, for example it changes when I am in a sexual situation, so it’s not always a case of one day feeling more masculine and another more feminine, it is tied to events as well. It’s usually expressed, without much conscious effort by myself, via body language, speech and clothing, all of which sound more superficial than they are, I think; the difference to how people behave around you can be huge.
Further to that, another issue I have personally is that the culture I live in genders behaviours differently to the way I do*, so I can feel more masculine and be read as more feminine or vice versa, and I find genderfluidity to allow for that difference instead of having to exist in a permanent state of tension between myself and the outside world. I couldn’t explain how though; perhaps someone with a little more academic knowledge will turn up to explain to argue with that point!
I feel that the genderfluid identity can be a good rest stop on ones journey of understanding ones gender. It may turn out to be the final destination, it may not, but it provides an opportunity to say to oneself “ok, this is where I’m at now, I’m just going to observe myself for a while”.
Best of luck for your future, whatever you find is right for you.
*All it took to create this disconnect between myself and my culture was growing up in a family where everyone exhibited traits of behaviour and personality that were the opposite of what the culture deems appropriate for their gender identity. That was enough to do it.
[Reply]
December 20th, 2014 at 2:30 pm |
I can’t help explain what genderfluidity is like, but I just wanted to say that your experience sounds very much like mine, and I’m a binary-identified trans woman. There are a lot of aspects of myself that I don’t hate that society considers male or masculine, both physical (such as my genitalia) and mental (such as my mathematical ability). I’m not saying that this is what you are; I just wanted to point out that you can be okay with “male aspects” of yourself and still be a woman, if that’s what you want to be.
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