Expressions of Gender
Someone wrote…
Sometimes when I was younger, I’d want to be a boy.
Like, I’d dream of getting breast reduction surgery when I was older so I could go out looking like a man (I was young and slightly clueless then) but I’d still act quite girly, because that was what I was brought up as/brainwashed to be.Then when I discovered gender identity, I initially thought of being genderfluid, because the idea of sometimes being a boy and sometimes being a girl really appealed to me. But I didn’t sometimes feel like a boy and sometimes like a girl inside; I felt neither. So I came to the conclusion (after doing some research) that I was neutrois, but could express myself as genderfluid (although I am currently unable to express myself looking like a boy, because of my long thick hair). But I’m still in the habits of referring to myself as female, and automatically going about my daily life as though I was a cis female.
Is this just because I’m so used to ‘being’ female? Or am I mistaken about my gender identity?
What’s your experience?
Category: your voice 3 comments »
February 4th, 2015 at 8:49 am |
I feel almost the exact same way! I get misgendered all the time because I “act”/”look” “like a girl” and I hate it – it’s not that I mind acting the way I do or looking the way I do most of the time. It’s just the fact that just because I was “brainwashed” (I like that word – it’s perfect) into acting “like a girl” and was born into “looking like a girl,” everyone assumes I am that. Which makes me doubt my gender identity since I am really going to stay that way. I dress “like a boy” most of the time and can pass for one if there’s no interaction between me and the other person. Yet I’m still “really a girl” to almost everyone.
I hate the idea of having to be one/multiple genders and want to be nothing, both bodily and in expression and mindset, but I think that most people read neutrality like that as feminine. Since “masculine” is often, at least in my experience, seen and expressed as specific and rigid in the sense that most people guess “girl” even if you’re still looking slightly masculine – I have to be presenting in a really masculine way in order to be seen as male.
So for me at least, I am used to being “like a girl” and, therefore, my automated actions and presentations like vocal pitch and hand movements, are “like a girl’s” and I have to make a conscious effort to change that when I want to. But gender identity is different from expression, even automated expression. So you can be any gender/s under the sun and present in any number of ways, both consciously and subconsciously.
Hope that answered your question?
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February 4th, 2015 at 11:50 am |
Yes, it really did! Thank you so much for replying- I feel more at ease now, I can really relate to the other things you said you felt too.
Also, just thought I’d mention, I’m getting my hair cut short soon and made myself a good, fairly safe binder so I can begin to express myself how I want.
Thank you so much!
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February 4th, 2015 at 4:02 pm |
No problem! And congrats on the wardrobe changes – those can be hard to put into play sometimes.
<3
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