I Don’t Know What Gender I will be When I Wake up

Someone wrote…

I don’t know what gender I will be when I wake up.

I don’t know if I am okay with my penis today, if I want to ignore it, if I wish that I had no genitals at all or that I could have a vagina.

I don’t know if I will freeze inside when somebody calls me “sir” or can just accept it.

I don’t know if I can enter a restroom and just pick the male door or if I have to stand there and convince myself that I should really pick the mens door because I would be socially awkward if I didn’t.

I don’t know if I can just wear what I feel like or if I am just wearing something to pass and not attract too much attention and hate it every minute.

I don’t know if I can live through the day and just pass as a man without hating myself.

I know that people can’t see me. They see what they understand and they wouldn’t understand me. I don’t even understand myself.
And all I can think is will I ever be looked at again and feel that someone gets me. Like they understand me and they like me for who I am. or even love me for who I am.

Seems so far away.

What’s your experience?

And what are you thinking about gender right now?

Posted by on June 22nd, 2015 at 08:00 am

Category: your voice One comment »

One Response to “I Don’t Know What Gender I will be When I Wake up”

  1. Claude

    Ah, the joys (or not) of fluidity!

    I can relate to everything you said.

    But sometimes, good moments happen :
    One day, me and a friend go to the mall. We had lunch and then, as these things happen, we went to use the restrooms. When we entered the room, my friend said “Hey…” I turned to him and he said “Ah, forget it.”
    Of course, I can’t forget it and ask him again later and he told me what I thought was the best thing ever, that he was convinced I was using the wrong restroom and was wondering what I was doing in the male restroom.

    I was put in a male body (by the universe that didn’t know what to do with my soul, so it rolled the dice and said f*** it), and been friend with that guy since forever.


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